I was asked recently what I wanted for Christmas this year and I forgot to mention a few Christmas wishes. My number one wish that has resided in my heart of hearts for quite a few years now is for Alex Trebeck to be fired from Jeopardy permanently. At this point I don't even care who replaces him, no one could possibly be more annoying than Alex Trebeck. Hell, Paris Hilton would make a better host than that smug, snide, Canadian know-it-all, Alex Trebeck. At least Paris wouldn't pretend like she knew the answer all along like Alex does, she may mock them in the same manner, but pretending like she knew the answer would be a ridiculous waste of time. Paris Hilton knowing an answer on Jeopardy? Right. Alex Trebeck is an ass, and I want him fired.
I would also enjoy personal shopping time at big stores such as Walmart and Sam's Club, funny how they have the same owner huh? Anyone know Sam Walton's family? I could really use this wonderful gift. I hate shopping when people are in the store. People are annoying and I want to shop in peace and quiet! I am tired of standing behind a person with gas. Tired of watching fat and lazy people using motorized carts while I watch people who really need them attempt to walk. Tired of people being in my way and slowing me down on my quest to get in and get out as soon as possible. Sam's is slightly worse than Walmart though because Sam's has samples all over the place, nothing frustrates me more. People are so greedy they will stand in line for pizza that stretches across the store for a piece of pizza no bigger than the end of the fork, I wouldn't care so much if they were not in my way, but that is not the way of the world. They stand in line with their stupid ass giant carts and flat beds blocking my passage at every turn. I have been forced many times to crash into such people to get them out of my way. I am honestly starting to believe there is a mass conspiracy to see how pissed off people can make me while I am trying to get groceries. If there is one I know who is behind it, Brook. Brook must be behind it because she always wants to know how my grocery shopping trips went. Maybe she pays people to piss me off just so I will go deluxe nutty pants in the store? No idea. All I know for sure is that she thinks it's hilarious anytime I blow a fuse. Hmmmm. Something to think about for sure. Brook definitely is mischievous, very wiley, and would definitely organize a large group of people to watch me go absolutely ballistic.
For my next Christmas wish I would like more middle class children to believe they are indeed gangsters. I find this so ridiculously funny that every time I see one I come close to peeing myself. Who are they kidding? I can't help but laugh until I cry when I see them hanging out in groups at Springfield, Sylvania and Perrysburg just to name a few of the local suburban schools. Yes, Victoria you are a gangster, now please go fix mommy some caviar and a glass of my vintage wine. No, Victoria you may not wear my 10 karat diamond necklace to your rap concert tonight. These are the children we should drop off in one of our worst neighborhoods and watch to see what happens. I will place my money on a lot of running and crying for mommy to come pick them up. We might be able to make that into a reality show, I would most definitely watch it.
I would also enjoy being paid to write these blogs. So if you are reading this blog you could be making my Christmas wish come true by sending me donations for every blog you read. The first of you assholes who sends me a damn penny will force me to learn the art of black magic just to curse you daily for being a smart ass. Remember this blog readers, karma is a major life force. If you give me money you will surely get more back in return than originally given, but not by me, so choose the amount you give me wisely. I accept cash, check, charge and bank transfers.
Finally, I would like to make a wish for someone else. He makes me laugh so I will grant him one of my Christmas wishes. He would like onions to be banned from the world. He believes that they are poisonous and that his wife is trying to kill him by way of onions. Apparently she gave him potato and onion perogies without his knowledge of the onions and he ate them, convinced he was going to die he decided he would hide all of the Christmas presents so his wife would not get any after he died. So to stop the attempted murder of my friend's husband, I wish for onions to be banned.
that was funny!
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