Who likes cranberry jello? Seriously? Why is it even on the shelf? When I was 23 I had knee surgery and was living at home with my parents, who sometimes antagonize me on purpose just to watch my reaction. I swear they do this so they can laugh about at later times. They probably lay in bed at night discussing how they are going to get me to have a huge meltdown so they can say, "Do you remember that time Amy did....", I am sure of it. Absolutely positive they make plans to set me up to explode. This is more than likely how this whole scenario began.
A few days after my knee surgery my mother asked me if I would like to go to the store with her to get some groceries. I looked at her like she was nutty and she reminded me that they have those motorized carts, I could ride in one of those through the store since I was unable to walk at that point. I was ready to leave the house and as I wasn't allowed to drive yet, I consented to going to the grocery store. If you read this blog on a regular basis you should know by now I hate the grocery store and usually avoid it all costs as it causes me problems and it puts other people's lives in danger.
Off to the grocery store we went, my mom (devious) and myself. We started our grocery shopping with her and the regular cart and myself in tow. We got to the jello aisle and what do I see but my mom picking up a box of cranberry jello... begin the meltdown process. I immediately asked my mom why in the world she was pick out cranberry jello, and who in the hell would eat it anyway. I told her I sure wouldn't ever eat that nasty crap and I didn't know anyone in their right mind who would eat that nasty tasting grossness she calls food. I continued complaining all the way through the store and the entire way home. When we got home I took my pain medications and fell asleep.
In a few hours my mother woke me up to eat dinner. I picked up my crutches and hobbled my way into the dining room. Once I sat down someone took my crutches and placed them against the wall in the far corner of the room so they would be out of every one's way. Everyone says you should trust your own family, I think not. I should have known I was being set up right there. I was falling victim to my mother's devious plot. Dinner was good and then dessert was brought out. I was so excited for dessert until my mom walked into the dining room with it. My eyes got huge as I saw a giant bowl of red jello enter the room. I couldn't believe it, she made that damn cranberry jello and ruined my life. Here I was expecting some awesome dessert and I get nasty ass jello I wouldn't feed to my dog. So I once again began my entire tirade on the evils of cranberry jello.
My mom began to explain that it wasn't cranberry jello and in fact it was cherry. Well this changed things dramatically. I looked at her and she was laughing so hard that she started crying, which in turn made me laugh, until I realized that I suddenly had to pee, and when I say pee, I meant right this very second. So I asked her to please get me my crutches, she continued laughing. I asked again, I said I needed them immediately, laughter continues. Finally after a lot of asking she moved to get my crutches. She brought them over to me and all I could do is look up at her and say, "Too late". And it was too late, I had already peed all over myself and her white chair and onto her white carpeting. Who's fault was it you ask? I blame the damn cranberry jello, and my mother. She still laughs until she cries still to this day if someone mentions cranberry jello. If she is reading this right now, I guarantee you she is laughing so hard she is crying. DAMN YOU CRANBERRY JELLO!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
You Can't Do That?! I still hate you Holly.
At one point in time, not so long ago actually, I worked at a nursing home. We had a great team of people and I really enjoyed my job and then Holly was hired. I hated Holly from the moment I met her. I am not sure why to this day, although I have some ideas as to why. Maybe it's because she was ugly? Maybe it's because she was slow? Maybe it's because she is a whiny ass bitch, yep come to think of it that was probably why.
Anyway, I might have let it go had she of not told on me to management and didn't get me written up for no stinking reason. If there is one thing I hate it's a tattle tale, but this fight started way before this happened. One day when I was working on the same hall as her she decided to not help me with a patient that took 2 people to lift. As we were the only two on that hallway, I had to go beg someone else on a different hall to help me because she is fat and lazy. So after hunting down someone to help me I decided I needed to play on her emotional state to really piss her off, thus winning the game. I knew Holly didn't have any friends at work, and I knew I did. I also knew that she wanted more than anything to be liked by everyone, fat chance (ha ha ha I said fat and she was fat) as I didn't like her and neither did anyone else. So I went home that night and plotted my revenge.
Knowing that she had a serious need to be liked and knowing that she loved Harry Potter, I hatched a perfect plan. When I got to work the next day I made sure to inform my cohorts of my plan, thus insuring that this would not and could not be messed up in anyway. During the day one by one in front of her, I started asking if my coworkers would like to come to my house to have a Harry Potter movie night the next week. Every single one of them said sure, and we talked about loudly and exclaimed at how much fun it would be to hang out after work and just relax. I would also inform that person that everyone else would be there as well. Holly would just stand there and stare, waiting like a puppy dog to be invited to my party. I would just smile, an obnoxious smile, but still a smile and say, " Hey Holly, do you want to ... pause... take out the trash tonight or start final rounds?". I would always ask a stupid question just to get her hopes up and then squash them like a little bug walking across my counter. It made me so happy to watch her stupid face get all excited and then fall like I just said her grandma died. I am pretty sure this makes me an awful person, but she had it coming. So after doing this multiple times with multiple people she finally got the hint she wasn't invited and never would be. The best part of the plan was that there wasn't going to be a party, we all worked second shift so a party after work was definitely not possible and we all had different nights off as well. So if Holly wasn't so stupid she would have realized that it wasn't possible for us to all be able to have the same night off to have a Harry Potter movie party, but she is.
The next day the big, fat, tattle tale apparently went and talked to the higher ups complaining in her whiny ass way that I didn't invite her to my party and it hurt her feelings. Whhhaaaaaa! Somebody call the whaaaambulance. So about halfway through my shift I get called into the office, and I knew I was in trouble but wasn't really sure why, as I wasn't exactly the model employee. I got bored quite easily and found ways to entertain myself, but that is besides the point. I never even considered that Holly might be that childish and ridiculous to actually go to our bosses and whine. Well, I was wrong. So I go into the office and across from me sits the director of nursing, the assistant director of nursing and the human resources representative, FANTASTIC. All I could think was, shit what did they catch me doing this time? So they asked me why I thought I was there and after pondering all the reasons I could have been there, I decided the wisest course of action was to say nothing. If there was one thing I learned in childhood it was to never admit to anything, it has done me well thus far. So I of course replied that I couldn't imagine what I was doing here, maybe I was getting a raise. Well if nothing else that elicited a chuckle response from the peanut gallery of idiots. Directly following the stupid chuckle was, " No that's not why you are here", well damn. So again I repeated, " I have no idea". The director of nursing then spoke up and informed of why I was there. She told me and I quote, " You are here because you intentionally hurt Holly's feelings by planning a party and not inviting her. She came in here earlier today crying because she feels that no one likes her.". She paused and waited for me to say something, nothing that I had to say would have done me any good and probably would have only served in digging my own grave. My response would have gone like this; wow, it's really too bad that Holly doesn't have friends and that I didn't want to invite her to my party, but I don't like her and she is a tattle tale, now that I am aware of her being a tattle tale I will tease her mercilessly. Yeah it probably wouldn't have gone over well, so I kept it to myself and gave her a blank look instead. Well apparently I didn't give her a blank look and was informed that the statement she made was nothing to be smirked at or mocked. Again, I said nothing. The one sided conversation went on after my smirking, mocking, rude demeanor. I was informed that I was going to be written up and disciplined for not allowing Holly to come to my party. That was when I couldn't stand it anymore and was so flustered at the ridiculousness of this entire conversation that the only thing I could say was, "You can't do that". She replied that she most certainly could, I thought I was going to die. I was then asked to sign the write up and I declined to do so and decided a speech was in order at this point. I had so many things come into my mind to say at that moment and right there I began digging a huge grave for them to push me in and bury me. It went a little like this.
"You can't do that, this is bullshit. You can't write me up because I didn't invite Holly to a damn party that is at MY HOUSE. You don't get to decide who I invite, even if I purposely invited every single one of them right in front of her face. She needs to stop being a whiny baby and just get over the fact that I hate her. If she wasn't so stupid, ugly and lazy, maybe I would have invited her to my imaginary party. Yep, that's right I made the party up to piss her off. I hate her enough that I would do that, and I will do it again and again. This is so ridiculous. So RIDICULOUS! Fine I will sign your stupid write up, even though it's asinine. Ha! There I signed the damn thing. This is crazy. You are crazy, you are all crazy."
I realized right after I said it, I was now in more trouble. She informed me that they would be keeping an eye on me and they were going to put Holly and I on a hall together until we could learn to be friends. HA HA HA... friends? NEVER! So I went home that night fuming. I tried to go to sleep that night, but it just wasn't going to be possible until I had hatched yet another plan to get back at that bitch. I laid there and thought about what was said, and wasn't said at that meeting. What was said was that we were going to have to work on a hall together until we were able to be friends, work on a hall together that gives me a fabulous idea. I was pretty good friends with one of the nurses there and she didn't like Holly anymore than I did, mostly because Holly was lazy and cut corners. The next day when I arrived at work I checked the list and we were on a hall together, but the nurse on this hall was exactly the one I wanted to pull off my wonderful payback plan. As the day closed I took the perfect opportunity to begin my fabulous plan. We did our bed checks and each one of us were responsible for one side of the hall. We had to make sure that bed rails were up, mats were down on the floor and alarms were attached to those patients who needed them because they wandered time to time. After bed checks were completed, Holly took out the trash. While Holly was gone I went down her side of the hall and unattached her alarms and then waited (no patients were harmed in this plot). The nurse always does the final bed check before we leave. Right on cue when Holly returned the nurse went down our hallway checking every room to make sure that everything was done before we left. The nurse went into her first room with a patient that required an alarm and called Holly in immediately to inform her that she had forgotten an alarm and told her she would let this one go as long as she didn't find any other problems with her side of the hallway. In the next room the nurse found yet another alarm off, and informed Holly she would have to write her up. I have never been so happy, then I was at that moment. I walked next to Holly and quietly said, " You are a tattle tale and if you really wanted friends you should have thought about that before you got me written up for some stupid bullshit. Pay backs really are a bitch aren't they? I will make your life hell from now on unless you tell the director that we are now the best of friends and all of our problems are solved. If you don't I will continue working on getting you fired. There is no way that you can prove that I took those alarms off and now you are screwed. Enjoy that write up, it's way more serious than being written up because I made you cry. By the way, why would you cry over something so ridiculous? Are you a woman or a child? I am guessing child, and I think you need some serious psychological help. Have a horrible night, and remember, screw with me and I will pay you back ten times worse. Now to go hell.
She never messed with me again, and she did exactly what I told her to the next day. Moral of the story... Holly is a stupid, whiny, tattle tale. NEVER WORK WITH FAT GIRLS NAMED HOLLY. THEY ARE BIG WHINY TATTLE TALES WHO DESERVE TO BE TORTURED. I still can't believe that you can get written up for not inviting someone to your own party at your house. Bullshit, I tell you, bullshit.
Anyway, I might have let it go had she of not told on me to management and didn't get me written up for no stinking reason. If there is one thing I hate it's a tattle tale, but this fight started way before this happened. One day when I was working on the same hall as her she decided to not help me with a patient that took 2 people to lift. As we were the only two on that hallway, I had to go beg someone else on a different hall to help me because she is fat and lazy. So after hunting down someone to help me I decided I needed to play on her emotional state to really piss her off, thus winning the game. I knew Holly didn't have any friends at work, and I knew I did. I also knew that she wanted more than anything to be liked by everyone, fat chance (ha ha ha I said fat and she was fat) as I didn't like her and neither did anyone else. So I went home that night and plotted my revenge.
Knowing that she had a serious need to be liked and knowing that she loved Harry Potter, I hatched a perfect plan. When I got to work the next day I made sure to inform my cohorts of my plan, thus insuring that this would not and could not be messed up in anyway. During the day one by one in front of her, I started asking if my coworkers would like to come to my house to have a Harry Potter movie night the next week. Every single one of them said sure, and we talked about loudly and exclaimed at how much fun it would be to hang out after work and just relax. I would also inform that person that everyone else would be there as well. Holly would just stand there and stare, waiting like a puppy dog to be invited to my party. I would just smile, an obnoxious smile, but still a smile and say, " Hey Holly, do you want to ... pause... take out the trash tonight or start final rounds?". I would always ask a stupid question just to get her hopes up and then squash them like a little bug walking across my counter. It made me so happy to watch her stupid face get all excited and then fall like I just said her grandma died. I am pretty sure this makes me an awful person, but she had it coming. So after doing this multiple times with multiple people she finally got the hint she wasn't invited and never would be. The best part of the plan was that there wasn't going to be a party, we all worked second shift so a party after work was definitely not possible and we all had different nights off as well. So if Holly wasn't so stupid she would have realized that it wasn't possible for us to all be able to have the same night off to have a Harry Potter movie party, but she is.
The next day the big, fat, tattle tale apparently went and talked to the higher ups complaining in her whiny ass way that I didn't invite her to my party and it hurt her feelings. Whhhaaaaaa! Somebody call the whaaaambulance. So about halfway through my shift I get called into the office, and I knew I was in trouble but wasn't really sure why, as I wasn't exactly the model employee. I got bored quite easily and found ways to entertain myself, but that is besides the point. I never even considered that Holly might be that childish and ridiculous to actually go to our bosses and whine. Well, I was wrong. So I go into the office and across from me sits the director of nursing, the assistant director of nursing and the human resources representative, FANTASTIC. All I could think was, shit what did they catch me doing this time? So they asked me why I thought I was there and after pondering all the reasons I could have been there, I decided the wisest course of action was to say nothing. If there was one thing I learned in childhood it was to never admit to anything, it has done me well thus far. So I of course replied that I couldn't imagine what I was doing here, maybe I was getting a raise. Well if nothing else that elicited a chuckle response from the peanut gallery of idiots. Directly following the stupid chuckle was, " No that's not why you are here", well damn. So again I repeated, " I have no idea". The director of nursing then spoke up and informed of why I was there. She told me and I quote, " You are here because you intentionally hurt Holly's feelings by planning a party and not inviting her. She came in here earlier today crying because she feels that no one likes her.". She paused and waited for me to say something, nothing that I had to say would have done me any good and probably would have only served in digging my own grave. My response would have gone like this; wow, it's really too bad that Holly doesn't have friends and that I didn't want to invite her to my party, but I don't like her and she is a tattle tale, now that I am aware of her being a tattle tale I will tease her mercilessly. Yeah it probably wouldn't have gone over well, so I kept it to myself and gave her a blank look instead. Well apparently I didn't give her a blank look and was informed that the statement she made was nothing to be smirked at or mocked. Again, I said nothing. The one sided conversation went on after my smirking, mocking, rude demeanor. I was informed that I was going to be written up and disciplined for not allowing Holly to come to my party. That was when I couldn't stand it anymore and was so flustered at the ridiculousness of this entire conversation that the only thing I could say was, "You can't do that". She replied that she most certainly could, I thought I was going to die. I was then asked to sign the write up and I declined to do so and decided a speech was in order at this point. I had so many things come into my mind to say at that moment and right there I began digging a huge grave for them to push me in and bury me. It went a little like this.
"You can't do that, this is bullshit. You can't write me up because I didn't invite Holly to a damn party that is at MY HOUSE. You don't get to decide who I invite, even if I purposely invited every single one of them right in front of her face. She needs to stop being a whiny baby and just get over the fact that I hate her. If she wasn't so stupid, ugly and lazy, maybe I would have invited her to my imaginary party. Yep, that's right I made the party up to piss her off. I hate her enough that I would do that, and I will do it again and again. This is so ridiculous. So RIDICULOUS! Fine I will sign your stupid write up, even though it's asinine. Ha! There I signed the damn thing. This is crazy. You are crazy, you are all crazy."
I realized right after I said it, I was now in more trouble. She informed me that they would be keeping an eye on me and they were going to put Holly and I on a hall together until we could learn to be friends. HA HA HA... friends? NEVER! So I went home that night fuming. I tried to go to sleep that night, but it just wasn't going to be possible until I had hatched yet another plan to get back at that bitch. I laid there and thought about what was said, and wasn't said at that meeting. What was said was that we were going to have to work on a hall together until we were able to be friends, work on a hall together that gives me a fabulous idea. I was pretty good friends with one of the nurses there and she didn't like Holly anymore than I did, mostly because Holly was lazy and cut corners. The next day when I arrived at work I checked the list and we were on a hall together, but the nurse on this hall was exactly the one I wanted to pull off my wonderful payback plan. As the day closed I took the perfect opportunity to begin my fabulous plan. We did our bed checks and each one of us were responsible for one side of the hall. We had to make sure that bed rails were up, mats were down on the floor and alarms were attached to those patients who needed them because they wandered time to time. After bed checks were completed, Holly took out the trash. While Holly was gone I went down her side of the hall and unattached her alarms and then waited (no patients were harmed in this plot). The nurse always does the final bed check before we leave. Right on cue when Holly returned the nurse went down our hallway checking every room to make sure that everything was done before we left. The nurse went into her first room with a patient that required an alarm and called Holly in immediately to inform her that she had forgotten an alarm and told her she would let this one go as long as she didn't find any other problems with her side of the hallway. In the next room the nurse found yet another alarm off, and informed Holly she would have to write her up. I have never been so happy, then I was at that moment. I walked next to Holly and quietly said, " You are a tattle tale and if you really wanted friends you should have thought about that before you got me written up for some stupid bullshit. Pay backs really are a bitch aren't they? I will make your life hell from now on unless you tell the director that we are now the best of friends and all of our problems are solved. If you don't I will continue working on getting you fired. There is no way that you can prove that I took those alarms off and now you are screwed. Enjoy that write up, it's way more serious than being written up because I made you cry. By the way, why would you cry over something so ridiculous? Are you a woman or a child? I am guessing child, and I think you need some serious psychological help. Have a horrible night, and remember, screw with me and I will pay you back ten times worse. Now to go hell.
She never messed with me again, and she did exactly what I told her to the next day. Moral of the story... Holly is a stupid, whiny, tattle tale. NEVER WORK WITH FAT GIRLS NAMED HOLLY. THEY ARE BIG WHINY TATTLE TALES WHO DESERVE TO BE TORTURED. I still can't believe that you can get written up for not inviting someone to your own party at your house. Bullshit, I tell you, bullshit.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Bill Collectors = Feindish Piranhas.
Sorry friends, but I got a job. I know I haven't posted in awhile, and it has apparently made one of you sad. My husband got the mail tonight and in it was an index card with "Bring Back the Blog" in magazine letters, and 2 pennies attached to it. I have no idea who sent it and since it was postmarked from Toledo, there are quite a few of you who could have done it. Anyway, I will start blogging again but just for you, my new special friend. Please keep sending me things in the mail! It's nice to get something other than bills and threatening letters from creditors!
Creditor's little minions are evil people. I hate bill collectors and you should all be ashamed of yourselves. I get calls from these idiots on a daily basis. They use fake numbers, blocked numbers, restricted numbers, cell phone numbers and 1-800 numbers. What they fail to realize is if my home phone rings and it isn't anyone I know I don't pick up. They used to call my cell phone all the time too, which pissed me off, BUT NO MORE! I have outsmarted you fiendish piranhas! I went to Walmart and bought a burn phone. It is not registered to me and you will never find the number to it, and if you do, I will buy a new one and get a new number. It will be a new game, you find the number, I get a new one. You can try all you want to, but you will fail. Intelligence prevails. I know some of you are thinking to yourselves, " How did she get that smart?", it took a lot of practice. If I do accidentally pick up the phone and you are a nice person I will talk to you like a civilized human being and attempt to work something out with you. However, if you are an asshole, than I shall return the kindness. Here is a top 10 list of my favoritist things to tell credit collectors when they call and act like an ass.
10. When they ask you if you can borrow the money from family or friends. --- Sure, do you want to be my family or friend who lends me the money? No. Why not? Are you afraid I won't pay you back? Uh huh. Well they know I won't pay them back too, so no they won't lend me money. If they give me money it's to help out with bills, and you don't qualify.
9. Well sure, just let me pull it right out of ass.
8. OOOOHHHH you know what? The money fairy should be stopping by my house tonight, call me back tomorrow, if I answer she stopped by, if not, well too bad for you.
7. I will sell you my autograph for the amount that I owe you. No? Why not? I am famous in the bill collection world. It might bring in some money, they have never actually seen my signature.
6. You mean to tell me, even if I pay this off, it will still be on my credit report for 7 years? Then why in God's name would I pay you? Does that make sense in your world? Let's see, I will pay you over $500 and it will do nothing for me, but it will earn you money because you collected it? Ha ha ha, screw you.
5. What do you mean you are going to take me to court? So what? I have 4 judgements against me already, guess what, you are still not getting my money. Not now, not ever.
4. It will negatively effect my credit?? Oh no, please don't do that. My gosh what would I do if my already decimated credit score got any worse? Well gee golly, I better pay that right away. Can I put that on my Bank of IOU card? Sorry it's all I have.
3. This is her. Uh huh. So let me get this straight. Your stupid company bought my debt from Walmart, and now you are calling me to pay you, instead of Walmart.... How is this my problem? Your company needs to have it decision making process re-evaluated, you guys have made another piss poor decision. If I was going to buy the debt from Walmart, I sure as hell would not buy the debt of someone with my credit score. You should pay me for your stupidity, at least someone would be getting some money because you sure aren't.
2. Amy? She died last week. (Break into hysterical sobbing)
1. Sure hang on a minute I will go get her.... ** KEEP WATCHING TV WITH THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK, EVENTUALLY THEY HANG UP** be careful though, they will try to be sneaky and call you back using a ghost number.
So readers those are my rules of avoiding creditors and responding back to rude ones as they deserve to be responded back to. Most of these responses will elict the same response, they will grumble something and then hang up the phone. Please remember to be nice to those who are kind to you, they do not deserve to be yelled at. With the kind ones I tell them the truth and usually work something out with them to attempt to pay my debt.
Creditor's little minions are evil people. I hate bill collectors and you should all be ashamed of yourselves. I get calls from these idiots on a daily basis. They use fake numbers, blocked numbers, restricted numbers, cell phone numbers and 1-800 numbers. What they fail to realize is if my home phone rings and it isn't anyone I know I don't pick up. They used to call my cell phone all the time too, which pissed me off, BUT NO MORE! I have outsmarted you fiendish piranhas! I went to Walmart and bought a burn phone. It is not registered to me and you will never find the number to it, and if you do, I will buy a new one and get a new number. It will be a new game, you find the number, I get a new one. You can try all you want to, but you will fail. Intelligence prevails. I know some of you are thinking to yourselves, " How did she get that smart?", it took a lot of practice. If I do accidentally pick up the phone and you are a nice person I will talk to you like a civilized human being and attempt to work something out with you. However, if you are an asshole, than I shall return the kindness. Here is a top 10 list of my favoritist things to tell credit collectors when they call and act like an ass.
10. When they ask you if you can borrow the money from family or friends. --- Sure, do you want to be my family or friend who lends me the money? No. Why not? Are you afraid I won't pay you back? Uh huh. Well they know I won't pay them back too, so no they won't lend me money. If they give me money it's to help out with bills, and you don't qualify.
9. Well sure, just let me pull it right out of ass.
8. OOOOHHHH you know what? The money fairy should be stopping by my house tonight, call me back tomorrow, if I answer she stopped by, if not, well too bad for you.
7. I will sell you my autograph for the amount that I owe you. No? Why not? I am famous in the bill collection world. It might bring in some money, they have never actually seen my signature.
6. You mean to tell me, even if I pay this off, it will still be on my credit report for 7 years? Then why in God's name would I pay you? Does that make sense in your world? Let's see, I will pay you over $500 and it will do nothing for me, but it will earn you money because you collected it? Ha ha ha, screw you.
5. What do you mean you are going to take me to court? So what? I have 4 judgements against me already, guess what, you are still not getting my money. Not now, not ever.
4. It will negatively effect my credit?? Oh no, please don't do that. My gosh what would I do if my already decimated credit score got any worse? Well gee golly, I better pay that right away. Can I put that on my Bank of IOU card? Sorry it's all I have.
3. This is her. Uh huh. So let me get this straight. Your stupid company bought my debt from Walmart, and now you are calling me to pay you, instead of Walmart.... How is this my problem? Your company needs to have it decision making process re-evaluated, you guys have made another piss poor decision. If I was going to buy the debt from Walmart, I sure as hell would not buy the debt of someone with my credit score. You should pay me for your stupidity, at least someone would be getting some money because you sure aren't.
2. Amy? She died last week. (Break into hysterical sobbing)
1. Sure hang on a minute I will go get her.... ** KEEP WATCHING TV WITH THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK, EVENTUALLY THEY HANG UP** be careful though, they will try to be sneaky and call you back using a ghost number.
So readers those are my rules of avoiding creditors and responding back to rude ones as they deserve to be responded back to. Most of these responses will elict the same response, they will grumble something and then hang up the phone. Please remember to be nice to those who are kind to you, they do not deserve to be yelled at. With the kind ones I tell them the truth and usually work something out with them to attempt to pay my debt.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
If you are easily offended ignore this post.... Otherwise read on.
While reading the final book in the Twilight series I was laying in bed talking with my husband about the book and how I hoped that it would have a better ending than the final Harry Potter book did. He asked why I was so upset with the Harry Potter book, I told him I wasn't happy about how the ending was not complete. Granted it told me about who the characters married, if they had kids and blah, blah, blah. It upset me because I wanted to know what happened in between Harry defeating Voldemort and married with children. So I was hoping Twilight wouldn't end like that with a giant hole that reminds me of the giant hole in the bible. What happened to Jesus in those years? No idea. What happened to Harry Potter in those years, again no idea.
From this point I may have went into quite a tangent and ran my train right off the tracks. Somehow I managed to get on the topic of Hitler, maybe because of Voldermort, not sure. In my usual fashion it never ends there. If you are going to be offended it will be in the next paragraph so please stop reading if you are already feeling uneasy about this blog and the people mentioned in it. If you continue reading and send me hate mail I will send you Jehovah Witnesses, Mormons, Pornography catalogs, lots of free samples of crap no one needs, and anything else I can find for free to send you. Stop reading.
Continuing on with my runaway train of thoughts. I get really upset when people tell me that everything happens for a reason. You can believe that if you so choose but let me pose this question to you, mostly because I don't believe things happen for a reason, why was Hitler introduced into the world? What good was brought about from his life here? Here is my answer to that question for those of you who believe in that crap. Jesus created Hitler and sent him down here for a purpose, a reason. He gave him all of the gifts he would require to lead an entire chunk of the world into supporting or ignoring a genocide of the Jewish people and all others who he decided he could do without. Many of you are probably asking why I would think that Jesus would send Hitler down here to do that, and here is your next answer. Jesus was killed by the Jews, and vengeance is his, right? So he created Hitler and sent him down the earth to pay the Jews back for his death. It makes perfect sense to me if everything happens for a reason.
From this point I may have went into quite a tangent and ran my train right off the tracks. Somehow I managed to get on the topic of Hitler, maybe because of Voldermort, not sure. In my usual fashion it never ends there. If you are going to be offended it will be in the next paragraph so please stop reading if you are already feeling uneasy about this blog and the people mentioned in it. If you continue reading and send me hate mail I will send you Jehovah Witnesses, Mormons, Pornography catalogs, lots of free samples of crap no one needs, and anything else I can find for free to send you. Stop reading.
Continuing on with my runaway train of thoughts. I get really upset when people tell me that everything happens for a reason. You can believe that if you so choose but let me pose this question to you, mostly because I don't believe things happen for a reason, why was Hitler introduced into the world? What good was brought about from his life here? Here is my answer to that question for those of you who believe in that crap. Jesus created Hitler and sent him down here for a purpose, a reason. He gave him all of the gifts he would require to lead an entire chunk of the world into supporting or ignoring a genocide of the Jewish people and all others who he decided he could do without. Many of you are probably asking why I would think that Jesus would send Hitler down here to do that, and here is your next answer. Jesus was killed by the Jews, and vengeance is his, right? So he created Hitler and sent him down the earth to pay the Jews back for his death. It makes perfect sense to me if everything happens for a reason.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Need A Larger Penis?
Everyday I check my email, just hoping that someone I want to talk to has sent me an email to let me know what an amazing person I am, but I am forever disappointed. My inbox is always flooded with sales from stores, recipes, things to enlarge my penis and reminders to check my peak flow readings for my asthma. I'm not saying I am not grateful, sometimes they provide a good laugh but usually I am just annoyed and hit the delete button before I even read them.
The stores who send me emails with their sales are quite annoying, mainly because they just make me mad that I don't have enough money, even with their sale price, to buy anything. I hate those stores and wish I could send a correspondence back asking them to provide me with some cash to buy their merchandise, not just a percentage off. I know, how about you give it to me 95% off. I think I can swing that price. I think I should get that price anyway for you wasting my precious unemployed time to look at your damn email, I might have better things to do, like paint my finger nails or watch another rerun of The Office. By the way, freaking love that show! Oompa Loompa Doopity Dawesome, Dwight is now gone and that's totally awesome. Anyone else remember that episode? It was definitely a great one, but almost every episode makes me giggle. I wish I worked in an office like that!
The places that send me their recipes make me hungry and then there isn't anything I can do about it because the ingredients they want me to use are expensive, and to tell the truth, I just don't want to make the damn thing. It's not because I don't have the time, being unemployed I definitely have the time to make it, I just don't want to. These recipes look like a lot of work with a lot of steps, I call shenanigans. Maybe I should forward them to Brook and see if she will make them for me. Brook is a good cook I hear, I wouldn't know because she never invites me over for dinner, but I believe her because she doesn't lie. So maybe I will send these on to her and put a personal note above them that reads, " Hello Friend, I have sent you this recipe to make for me next Wednesday night at 6pm. I will bring some wine and you cook this along with; mashed potatoes, broccoli and pie for dessert. See you then. Love, Amy". Sounds like a plan to me, Brook may disagree but I have a plan for that as well. If she disagrees that this is a crappy plan, I will make my blood sugar crash as I am driving over to her house. I will tell her I happened to be in the area when my blood sugar crashed and I need food to raise it before I pass out and possibly die. Brook will feed me because she won't want me to die, and when she asks what I want, I will simply pull out the recipe and ask for that, refusing to eat anything but. She will make it and I won't die. Perfect plan if I do say so myself!
My favorite crap email today was the one with the subject heading; Need A Larger Penis? All I could think was, oh my god, yes I do. How great would it be to have a penis? I would be able to pee standing up, I always wanted to do that. Or how awesome would it be to be able to spell my name in the snow with my pee? Fantastical! It might be a little odd for my husband, but maybe he'd get over it?! I mean I could do so many cool things that I can't currently do. I would keep my vagina as well though, mainly because I eventually want a baby and all, but other than that there is nothing cool about having a vagina. I mean I would like to be able to pee anywhere. I tried to pee outside once because there wasn't a bathroom anywhere around me and I ended up peeing on the back of my jeans and then dribbled down the side of my leg, well hell, I might as well of just peed my pants for all the good that did. The lesson for that day was if you are going to be outside and not near a bathroom for an extended period of time, take a beer bong with you. You can pee in a beer bong and point the end of it where ever you want to, but preferably away from yourself, and not on to an electric fence. The guy on 1000 Ways To Die that peed on the electrical fence was hilarious, too bad he died, but at least he gave us a good laugh as he pissed his life away (ha ha ha I am so witty, just like Horatio on CSI Miami. All I need is the sunglasses and to turn my head to the side when I say it).
The stores who send me emails with their sales are quite annoying, mainly because they just make me mad that I don't have enough money, even with their sale price, to buy anything. I hate those stores and wish I could send a correspondence back asking them to provide me with some cash to buy their merchandise, not just a percentage off. I know, how about you give it to me 95% off. I think I can swing that price. I think I should get that price anyway for you wasting my precious unemployed time to look at your damn email, I might have better things to do, like paint my finger nails or watch another rerun of The Office. By the way, freaking love that show! Oompa Loompa Doopity Dawesome, Dwight is now gone and that's totally awesome. Anyone else remember that episode? It was definitely a great one, but almost every episode makes me giggle. I wish I worked in an office like that!
The places that send me their recipes make me hungry and then there isn't anything I can do about it because the ingredients they want me to use are expensive, and to tell the truth, I just don't want to make the damn thing. It's not because I don't have the time, being unemployed I definitely have the time to make it, I just don't want to. These recipes look like a lot of work with a lot of steps, I call shenanigans. Maybe I should forward them to Brook and see if she will make them for me. Brook is a good cook I hear, I wouldn't know because she never invites me over for dinner, but I believe her because she doesn't lie. So maybe I will send these on to her and put a personal note above them that reads, " Hello Friend, I have sent you this recipe to make for me next Wednesday night at 6pm. I will bring some wine and you cook this along with; mashed potatoes, broccoli and pie for dessert. See you then. Love, Amy". Sounds like a plan to me, Brook may disagree but I have a plan for that as well. If she disagrees that this is a crappy plan, I will make my blood sugar crash as I am driving over to her house. I will tell her I happened to be in the area when my blood sugar crashed and I need food to raise it before I pass out and possibly die. Brook will feed me because she won't want me to die, and when she asks what I want, I will simply pull out the recipe and ask for that, refusing to eat anything but. She will make it and I won't die. Perfect plan if I do say so myself!
My favorite crap email today was the one with the subject heading; Need A Larger Penis? All I could think was, oh my god, yes I do. How great would it be to have a penis? I would be able to pee standing up, I always wanted to do that. Or how awesome would it be to be able to spell my name in the snow with my pee? Fantastical! It might be a little odd for my husband, but maybe he'd get over it?! I mean I could do so many cool things that I can't currently do. I would keep my vagina as well though, mainly because I eventually want a baby and all, but other than that there is nothing cool about having a vagina. I mean I would like to be able to pee anywhere. I tried to pee outside once because there wasn't a bathroom anywhere around me and I ended up peeing on the back of my jeans and then dribbled down the side of my leg, well hell, I might as well of just peed my pants for all the good that did. The lesson for that day was if you are going to be outside and not near a bathroom for an extended period of time, take a beer bong with you. You can pee in a beer bong and point the end of it where ever you want to, but preferably away from yourself, and not on to an electric fence. The guy on 1000 Ways To Die that peed on the electrical fence was hilarious, too bad he died, but at least he gave us a good laugh as he pissed his life away (ha ha ha I am so witty, just like Horatio on CSI Miami. All I need is the sunglasses and to turn my head to the side when I say it).
Elfing Around
Sorry I didn't get a chance to blog on the 18th, I know you all missed my perceptive thoughts, funny stories and other random crap. It's a little after midnight now and I thought instead of rambling on about how much fun we had in Galion visiting my husband's family I would just post a fun video! Enjoy!
Friday, December 17, 2010
News Alert.... Cheez-its Cure Asthma
That's right people, Cheez-Its cure asthma, or at least help stop asthma attacks anyway. If you don't believe me, ask my Aunt Michele.
When I was around three years old my aunt was babysitting me while my parents were out, and I really had a hankering for Cheez-Its, which I still love to this day. I was always a very intelligent child when it came to getting what I wanted and when I wanted it. My parents had clued in on this at a very early age as a result it was a little more difficult to manipulate them, but my Aunt Michele hadn't been schooled by me yet giving me a fighting chance of obtaining of my current object of desire. So I hatched a fantastically wonderful plan to get my beloved Cheez-Its and to ensure that I would be able to eat as many of them as I could before my parents got back home and ruined my perfect plan. I informed my aunt while wheezing a little bit that Cheez-Its help my asthma, prompting her ever so slightly to hand over the entire box, which she did. Score! It's been 28 years since I pulled that little stunt and it still makes me giggle a little. There were many other manipulative incidents that happened after this one, but this was my first great success! Now I shall do my Cheez-It celebratory dance, which is basically just me standing up slightly shaking my butt to the left hand side. This dance is kind of like my clean underwear dance, but trust me it is different. LONG LIVE CHEEZ-ITS!
When I was around three years old my aunt was babysitting me while my parents were out, and I really had a hankering for Cheez-Its, which I still love to this day. I was always a very intelligent child when it came to getting what I wanted and when I wanted it. My parents had clued in on this at a very early age as a result it was a little more difficult to manipulate them, but my Aunt Michele hadn't been schooled by me yet giving me a fighting chance of obtaining of my current object of desire. So I hatched a fantastically wonderful plan to get my beloved Cheez-Its and to ensure that I would be able to eat as many of them as I could before my parents got back home and ruined my perfect plan. I informed my aunt while wheezing a little bit that Cheez-Its help my asthma, prompting her ever so slightly to hand over the entire box, which she did. Score! It's been 28 years since I pulled that little stunt and it still makes me giggle a little. There were many other manipulative incidents that happened after this one, but this was my first great success! Now I shall do my Cheez-It celebratory dance, which is basically just me standing up slightly shaking my butt to the left hand side. This dance is kind of like my clean underwear dance, but trust me it is different. LONG LIVE CHEEZ-ITS!
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