Need A Larger Penis?

Everyday I check my email, just hoping that someone I want to talk to has sent me an email to let me know what an amazing person I am, but I am forever disappointed. My inbox is always flooded with sales from stores, recipes, things to enlarge my penis and reminders to check my peak flow readings for my asthma. I'm not saying I am not grateful, sometimes they provide a good laugh but usually I am just annoyed and hit the delete button before I even read them.

The stores who send me emails with their sales are quite annoying, mainly because they just make me mad that I don't have enough money, even with their sale price, to buy anything. I hate those stores and wish I could send a correspondence back asking them to provide me with some cash to buy their merchandise, not just a percentage off. I know, how about you give it to me 95% off. I think I can swing that price. I think I should get that price anyway for you wasting my precious unemployed time to look at your damn email, I might have better things to do, like paint my finger nails or watch another rerun of The Office. By the way, freaking love that show! Oompa Loompa Doopity Dawesome, Dwight is now gone and that's totally awesome. Anyone else remember that episode? It was definitely a great one, but almost every episode makes me giggle. I wish I worked in an office like that!


The places that send me their recipes make me hungry and then there isn't anything I can do about it because the ingredients they want me to use are expensive, and to tell the truth, I just don't want to make the damn thing. It's not because I don't have the time, being unemployed I definitely have the time to make it, I just don't want to. These recipes look like a lot of work with a lot of steps, I call shenanigans. Maybe I should forward them to Brook and see if she will make them for me. Brook is a good cook I hear, I wouldn't know because she never invites me over for dinner, but I believe her because she doesn't lie. So maybe I will send these on to her and put a personal note above them that reads, " Hello Friend, I have sent you this recipe to make for me next Wednesday night at 6pm. I will bring some wine and you cook this along with; mashed potatoes, broccoli and pie for dessert. See you then. Love, Amy". Sounds like a plan to me, Brook may disagree but I have a plan for that as well. If she disagrees that this is a crappy plan, I will make my blood sugar crash as I am driving over to her house. I will tell her I happened to be in the area when my blood sugar crashed and I need food to raise it before I pass out and possibly die. Brook will feed me because she won't want me to die, and when she asks what I want, I will simply pull out the recipe and ask for that, refusing to eat anything but. She will make it and I won't die. Perfect plan if I do say so myself!


My favorite crap email today was the one with the subject heading; Need A Larger Penis? All I could think was, oh my god, yes I do. How great would it be to have a penis? I would be able to pee standing up, I always wanted to do that. Or how awesome would it be to be able to spell my name in the snow with my pee? Fantastical! It might be a little odd for my husband, but maybe he'd get over it?! I mean I could do so many cool things that I can't currently do. I would keep my vagina as well though, mainly because I eventually want a baby and all, but other than that there is nothing cool about having a vagina. I mean I would like to be able to pee anywhere. I tried to pee outside once because there wasn't a bathroom anywhere around me and I ended up peeing on the back of my jeans and then dribbled down the side of my leg, well hell, I might as well of just peed my pants for all the good that did. The lesson for that day was if you are going to be outside and not near a bathroom for an extended period of time, take a beer bong with you. You can pee in a beer bong and point the end of it where ever you want to, but preferably away from yourself, and not on to an electric fence. The guy on 1000 Ways To Die that peed on the electrical fence was hilarious, too bad he died, but at least he gave us a good laugh as he pissed his life away (ha ha ha I am so witty, just like Horatio on CSI Miami. All I need is the sunglasses and to turn my head to the side when I say it).